I’m tired of hearing software engineers complain.

Yes, there are unfair managers, incompetent colleagues, systematic barriers, frustrating bureaucracy, and much, much more. Identifying problems is useful. Getting stuck in a cycle of negative emotions is not.

The sad thing is that some software engineers say things that result in subconscious self-sabotage. Some of these phrases are downright toxic.

So, let’s identify 5 self-sabotaging phrases software engineers need to stop saying, why they’re harmful, and what you should say instead.

“No one knows what they’re doing.”

This phrase is secretly dangerous. Think of this in the context of “When I was a kid, I thought adults had it all figured out. But now that I’m an adult, I don’t know what to do. And If no one knows how to do anything, I don’t need to do anything either. I guess I’ll suffer too. LOL!”

“No one knows what they’re doing” can become an excuse for ignorance and laziness. I see a lot of self-deprecating developers joke about how little they know (and to be fair, I’m guilty of this too). For instance, I see memes on Imgur making fun of how fat/lazy/sad/lonely/broke/etc. the poster is. They’re funny, but I fear that looking at too many of those memes is bad for your mental health.

The truth is, a lot of adults have figured out many parts of their life. They just don’t talk about it. If someone has become successful in one domain, some of their friends resent their success, and they get “crabs in a bucket” syndrome. So, people downplay the countless hours of hard work that went on behind the scenes. It’s much easier to smile, shrug, and say “I don’t know how I did it. I guess I was lucky.”

Critics will say, “The system is set up so I can’t win!” It’s true that people in certain demographics have a harder time succeeding in certain domains. It doesn’t follow that you should immediately give up. Even if you don’t achieve perfection, you can change yourself and the people around you. Martin Luther King Jr didn’t solve 100% of racism, but he made a tremendous mark on history.

Going back to a more personal level, there’s nothing stopping you from starting to make an improvement tomorrow. For example:

• Do you want a raise? Learn a new skill, find a new job, and negotiate your salary.
• Do you want more friends? Go to meetups and practice talking to people.
• Do you want to travel? Download Duolingo, set up automatic transfers to your travel sub-savings account, and buy those plane tickets.

The point is, if you want something to change, you have to take action. No one is guaranteed a specific job or a promotion. The best you can do is to give yourself every possible advantage that you can control.

So instead of saying “No one knows what they’re doing,” try “I don’t know yet, but I’m going to find out.”

“But Don,” you whine. “I don’t have what it takes. I’m tired. And I don’t even know how to start.”

“Yes you do!” I reply. “You’re smart, and you can keep learning. Look at how far you’ve come already.”

Which brings me to my next point…

“I’m not good enough”

Or its cousin, “I’ll never be like them”.

Impostor syndrome is real. When you’re a student, you look out and see so many intelligent, successful people. When you start out your first job, you’re surrounded by more senior engineers. And when you’re a senior engineer, they’ll always be someone who is more experienced and more accomplished then you.

So you think to yourself, “I don’t belong here. I’m not good enough to be here. They’re going to see how dumb I am and I’ll lose my job.”

When you catch yourself thinking or saying “I’m not good enough”, realize that you already passed the interview. You’ve already proved yourself capable enough to handle the job.

And consider this: all those other engineers spent a lot of time developing their skills. (Some of them may have been simply lucky, but in that case, there’s not much to learn from them.) They are not intrinsically better than you. If you keep learning and sharing your knowledge, one day, someone will look up to you, too.

But what if you want to learn a skill, but you keep putting it off? “After all,” you remind yourself, “I’m so busy these days. I need to fold the laundry, text my mom, and go to the gym. And I should get to bed earlier. I have no time left to do anything else. Maybe I’ll do it next week. Ugh, I’m so lazy.” That brings me to my next point…

“I should X”

This means phrases like:

• I should get to bed early tonight.
• I should learn Swift.
• I should read that book about personal finance.
• I should spend more time with my grandparents.
• I should buy a house (uhh, check yourself before you wreck yourself)

A lot of people beat themselves up over not doing something. Saying “I should X” over and over doesn’t do you any good. Guilt is not productive emotion!

It irks me when my friends complain wistfully, “I want to learn Spanish/guitar/etc”, for years, and they never get started. I suppose they don’t want to learn it that much.

Instead, decide to do the thing or not. Block off some time on your calendar to do the thing, or acknowledge you won’t do it in the near future. You might decide to pause one thing to prioritize another. And you should feel OK with your decision. It’s not reasonable to do everything all at once.

Instead of saying, “I should learn X”, I’d rather hear people say, “I want to learn X one day, but right now, I’m really focused on Y. And I’m excited about Y because…” That sounds like someone who has made a conscious decision.

Let’s say you move from “I should get a new job” to “I’m actively looking for a new job”. Great! You go to a conference to make new connections. You feel awkward shuffling from table to table, unsure of how to introduce yourself in a noisy, stuffy convention hall. The event ends, and as you trudge towards the exit without any strong leads, you feel like you were born with a natural -5 to charisma.

Which brings me to my next point…

“I’m not good at talking to people”

This might be true today, but this shouldn’t be an excuse. Communication skills are just skills. They can be learned just like riding a bike or SQL.

And, communication is a superpower. As you advance in your career, you’ll need a higher level of communication skills. You can be the smartest person in the room, but if you can’t convince other people to work with you, you’ll be limited in what you can accomplish. And if you can bring a highly talented team together, you can do anything.

If you don’t feel confident in your communication skills yet, do NOT say, “I’m not good at talking to people”. Instead, say “I’m still working on my communication skills” or “I’m not good at talking to people yet.” You’ll get better with practice.

Imagine you practice your communication skills in the real world. You activate hustler mode, invite some friends out for milkshakes, go to multiple networking events, and haggle with some street vendors… After a few months, you feel so confident at talking with people! But today, you feel like you need to rest.

Lying in bed, your phone buzzes. A text from your friend! She invites you to the new German beer garden in Mountain View, but you’re too tired to go. I hope you don’t respond with the next phrase…

“I’ll see if I can make it”

The San Francisco Bay Area is a beautiful place. It has a vibrant culture, perfect weather, and plenty of magnificent landscapes within a 3 hour drive.

But with this beauty comes the “San Francisco yes”. This is when people say things like “I’ll see if I can make it” and “I’ll see if I can swing by.” They don’t want to commit to a clear yes or no, and it’s often used to “politely” decline an invitation. Sometimes they say give a San Francisco yes when they have absolutely no intention of attending.

To the recipient, this is a terribly impolite answer. People want a clear yes or no. People are not be offended if you decline an invitation. In fact, saying “yes” and then not showing up is even more rude. You’ll quickly become known as an unreliable person.

Do your friends a favor. If they invite you out on a hike (or whatever social activity), and you don’t want to go, say, “I can’t go, but I appreciate the offer.” Your friend will thank you for the clear answer.

When you become known as a reliable person, people will like you. They’ll trust you. You’ll build new connections, develop new skills, and grow as a person and a software engineer.

And with enough time, you’ll forget you used to say these harmful phrases altogether.